THE PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!

             The cataracts on my right eye were removed yesterday and for someone who can't even touch his own eyes to put drops in them, I'm amazed that the doctor did so well. Me best mate Sarah, yar, and a pirate lass she is, still thinks her one-eyed pirate is a special guy. The patch on me eye gave me an idea for a pirate yarn that I hopes you'll enjoy reading.
          Yar! I run me wee ship, ONE-EYE hard aground while tippin' back more than a grog or two. She hit the shore with a horrifying crunch, which sent shivers down me backbone and had me only two remaining teeth clattering within the empty cavern of me maw. Although she's slightly listing between the craggy grasp of hard rocks and the steep cliff, the waves like delicate physician's hands continually slapping her arse end as hard as a new born lass just jettisoned from its womb, I'd be lying if I said we'd soon be clear and able to set sail again to plunder many a merchant ship. Thinking back, when first I saw the high rocky cliffs jutting out of the sea like a giant's fist, I should have allowed the first mate to grab hold the helm with his hairy hands and calloused fingers, the nails bitten clean to the bone - with strength like his, he would have ripped old ONE-EYE from the savage claws of the massive cliff and sailed her to deeper water where we would have been safe in the cradle of the Salish Sea. Although old ONE-EYE may be wedged tighter than a virgin's pantaloons between a rock and a hard place, her thick oaken ribs groaning and cracking with each flaying blow of the sea, all may not be lost for the tide will soon be on the rise and hopefully lift her clear and free.

           The masts, booms and yard arms are as bare as a naked hussy that shivers and shakes as each tremendous wave caresses old ONE-EYE closer to a screaming orgasm, louder than the cry of the lost banshee riding on the frothy waves streaking across the boulder ridden shore. The night is dark, darker than a freshly dug grave, not a silvery satin moon or a blinking beckoning star to be seen overhead in the darkening heavens. The rumble of thunder and roar of the waves, mingling together in tandem across the inky black Salish Sea - musical tones of Mozart gaily bouncing on every bubble came to mind and almost had me doing a jig.

           Yar! My blood was boiling fearlessly as I scrambled up the main mast and upon reaching the crows-nest was amazed I hadn't spilled a single drop of grog from me big mug. As I stood there bent into the wind, a long brass telescope pressed to my one good eye, my blind one tucked beneath a black leather patch with a painted white skull and crossbones shining in the dark, I was hoping to catch a wee glimpse of light within the surrounding misery of darkness. But the sky, as dark as a harlot's heart, wasn't about to give up her gold, not one peeping glimpse of sunshine on the horizon could be seen. The night would be long and many hours would pass before the turning and rising of the tide, which was needed to lift old ONE-EYE off the rocks.

        Cap'n One-Eye and his motley crew of murderous, cut-throats, pick-pockets, rapists, thieves and other lowly degenerates had stormed a British Man O War in a drunken stupor several years back. The ship had been at anchor in a warm Jamaican bay when a heavy mist evolved, the fog so thick, it was impossible to see your fist in front of your face. Stripped almost naked, each One-Eye pirate carried a sharp sword, a primed pistol and a dastardly dagger when they silently stepped aboard the HMS Venerable and slew every sailor in the most ghastly manner and then made the captain and his officers walk the plank - the sharks below licking their chops in eager anticipation. They had plundered many a ship afterward but due to dubious debauchery, gadabout gambling, impetuous imbibing, not to mention scandalous skulduggery, the gold and jewels they plundered were never efficient enough to change their way of living and besides, if given a chance at a more legal and quieter existence, they would have all lifted their mugs of grog high and cheered in unison, "If this is the life of a pirate, then this is the life for me! 

          As Cap'n One-Eye trod round and round the crows-nest his bleary blood-shot eye staring through the spyglass in search of a possible rescue, he suddenly glimpsed something moving between the tumultuous white caps. He wasn't sure if it was wishful thinking on his part or if something or someone was actually a short distance off the starboard side until a sudden flash of lightning lit up the surface of the sea for barely a heartbeat, but long enough for the one-eyed captain to see the form of a long boat and one person. His thoughts concerning the little boat and its lone inhabitant were rudely interrupted when an enormous wave struck the Man O War broadside and stove a gigantic hole in the side of her near the bow, which caused the bowsprit to splinter and dangle only mere bubbles above the sea. Realizing it was a mortal blow, not that the ship would sink, but was more likely to be smashed to smithereens with each wave that smacked her starboard side, it was time to take action and get the hell off the ONE-EYE.

             Grabbing a nearby rope, he swung from the crows nest to  the deck below and hollered to his panicking crew to gather round. When he had their attention he growled, "Well lads, looks like this is the end of ONE-EYE. It wont be long before she's busted all apart and the rats like us will be fleeing for our lives. As these are likely the last words to be spoken as your cap'n, I'd just like to mention how proud I am to have sailed with such a diabolical, comical, unscrupulous, murderous, bone-headed, dreaded, broody, moody, lazy, crazy, unwashed, unabashed, unworthy, scurvy, sleazy, measly, drunkards and raping bastards. I almost gets teary-eyed when I give the order to cut someone's throat and it's carried out immediately and with such glee, or ordering someone to scurry upwards to unravel a twisted sail during a hurricane and they fall to their death or when you're told to haul and keel a disobeying bastard and everyone cheers when the scalawag is ripped to pieces by the barnacles below." 

                After wiping a fake tear away with the sleeve of his thick black coat he grinned because he just then had a brainwave on saving his own life. It was risky the chance he was about to take but living life with those heartless, dumbfounded, treacherous, brain-dead and devious crew that surrounded him were far more threatening. When another huge wave smashed into the Man O War, many of the canons tumbled about and shattered the keel beyond repair. As the main mast cracked, about to break in two he urgently cryed, "Before I give the order to abandon ship I'd like to let you know what I saw through the spyglass" and smiling broadly at the terrified crew continued, "It's something you're really going to like. Just beyond the gentle palm trees growing along the shore, I saw some lights, looked like a small village in the near distance. Women, booze and food - what more could pirates ask for! Yar! Look lively mates, Grabs what you wants from old ONE-EYE and I'll meet you on the outskirts of the village."

          As the crew were dashing around, scavenging anything they thought useful or could sell or trade, Capn' One-Eye walked over to the starboard rail and looked through his brass spyglass until he was observing the small craft being rowed by a person, which he was certain was one of the female variety - much to his liking. His crew were too busy grabbing stuff to notice their captain taking off his shirt, exposing his massive shoulders and slender waist. After he took off his black leather shoes with silver buckles, he rubbed his stubbly square jawed chin, a dimple in the centre, with the back of his hand. He was a ruggedly handsome man, vivid blue eyes, thick black mustache and long blonde hair, which was held in place by a black satin ribbon. Putting everything inside an empty leather bag, which had been lying near his feet, including his musket and ammunition, he took one last glance over his shoulder, stepped up onto the starboard rail and dove into the black silky Salish Sea.

          I'd like to tell you that when Capn' One-Eye reached the dugout canoe, which was indeed being paddled by a Haida maiden, his stunning handsomeness would have made her swoon like so many other maidens he had defrocked. But no, his living happily ever after with a beautiful lass was not to be. Before he could even utter a single word, not even a slight syllable, she stood up in the dugout canoe and hit him squarely in the centre of his head with the sharp edge of the oar, splitting it cleanly in two. His men too, didn't live happily ever after either because their captain had lied to them - there was no village, the small island was deserted and they lived out the remainder of their very short lives by killing, eating each other and other unmentionable disgusting acts...cheers, eh!