WHAT THE POOP?????

        My wife and I are planning to trip on over to Nanaimo, Vancouver Island this summer, via our truck and "hippie-hangout" trailer - don't have a confirmed date at this time. I'm still in the healing process - some days I feel good and sometimes, to be honest, I feel like shit. And speaking of shit, not a particular topic that I care to think about, much less write about, but my friend Sherrie and I had a belly full of laughs today regarding that disgusting word.

          I was telling her about my rectal problems and that when I have to hit the toilet, for a shuffling old man, I have to shuffle a whole lot faster because if I don't, I'm liable to fill my pants with that wondrous movement (not Beethoven's last movement) but my own stinky discard. To be honest, I'm not sure that I'm up to a long road trip. Of course, we could fly but I have some serious doubts regarding that way of transportation too. 

          Imagine this scenario: I'm sitting on the jet, preferably on the aisle seat across from the shitter, when suddenly I have to make a dash for it. My wife says I could wear a diaper, which are apparently 'designer' apparel and I have to say, for a 77 year old man, I look hot in a snugly-fitting diaper, well...actually they make my private parts sweat - ewww! 

          Can you imagine yourself sitting next to me, or for that matter, on the same flight and I don't make it to the 'little boy's room'? The thing about a diaper, besides I don't care for the idea of sitting in my marvelous brown creation; it may contain my poop but not the delightful odor. Besides people gasping for breath, quite possibly asking for a parachute to disembark, if it reaches the pilot's cabin; what then? 

          I can just hear the captain announcing, "We appear to be under a terrorist attack. But don't worry, our door is locked and we're wearing gas masks. We don't think the gas is too dangerous but for those of you in distress please press the big red button above your seat and an oxygen mask will magically appear. Oh, and before I forget, the crew and I welcome you aboard." Did I forget to mention that I crapped my drawers while the plane was taking off and everyone has to be seated and wearing their seat belts? 

          As much as I may not be physically up to the road trip, I'm finding it more appealing than flying. At least we'll have our own washroom and if I can't make it that far...well... there's always the side of the road. Hmm...that wouldn't be very good for a passing motorist if they get a bird's eye view of my magnificent bare rear end; may cause a serious accident - have to think about that one.

          For those of you who have read this far, haven't been put off by the subject matter - excrement al a mode - perhaps you could leave a comment, letting me know which would be the best form of transportation or better yet, if you have similar bodily problems and have traveled via trailer or jet (keep in mind I have to switch planes either in Toronto, Montreal or Ottawa) that would be even better. Oops, I was going to write more, but nature calls - time to shuffle off - cheers, eh!