AN APPLE A DAY AND STINKY SKUNK

       
           Lately, it's been quite a battle health-wise. Many doctors and nurses armed with long pointy needles, catheters and miles of plastic tubes have probed, poked and pricked this old guy - perhaps I can join a circus as a real live human pincushion. I wouldn't really have to do anything, except sit on a comfy cushion and allow people to insert needles into my body like an acupuncturist. I've had cameras inserted up my rectum and penis and it surprises me how they get a digital 35mm camera with a telescopic lens up those tiny, tight orifices without getting them stuck. 
          A few days ago, I had an appointment with an eye-doctor and he didn't do any of the things above, just pried my stubborn eyelids open and then squeezed some drops into my eyes, which stung for a short while. He didn't have to tell me I'm half blind, I already knew that - I've got bruises on my shins from bumping into things and there is a definite wobble to this old man's shuffling footsteps as I hold my hands out in front of me to keep from walking into walls, stairs or closed doors. Apparently, after he squeezed a small bottle of eye-drops into my eyes to cause my pupils to expand and the stinging sensation had stopped, I was informed that I have cataracts on both eyes and since the right one is the worst, he'll be operating on it first. He says there's a 99% chance that the operation will be a success but because one of the medications I'm on could be a problem, it might be a bit dodgy. Without taking the necessary precautions - using a sharp blade or a laser to peel off the cataracts, it would not be a good time to blink.
            There's a stinky skunk hanging around the place, well actually, he thought this was the Hotel Hilton because he was residing under the house all winter until my wife was able to stuff up the hole with chunks of firewood.  Unfortunately, since a family of raccoons and a pesky porcupine thought it would make a suitable abode for them, he'd fend them off with his special perfume - it's enough to make your eyes water when he's primed and fires - whew! Stinky Skunk has moved under one of the other buildings and it's amazing how unafraid he is - just turns his back and lifts his tail as soon as we get near him. 
           And while I'm on the subject of skunks, thought you might get a chuckle about a poem I once wrote. It was titled Spunky the Skunk, the words escape me now, but I wrote it for a TV kid's show when I was the art director. The lady who hosted the show, which was live, had no idea what the poem was all about and it wasn't until she started reading it and showing the kids some illustrations I'd drawn that I suddenly felt a wee bit scared and thought I might lose my job. Although the poem sounded all cute like a nursery rhyme, it was really about a skunk and other forest animals getting stoned on pot.
          Well...that's enough information regarding my bodily orifices, eyes and nose, although I could mention...hmm...better not - time to hit the toilet - cheers, eh!